There but for the grace of God...

My elder daughter has occasion to remind me (generally when I'm screaming about the state of education of the deaf in Arizona or the latest outrageous pronouncements issuing from the clowns in the White House) that finding things to be grateful for is key to achieving serenity. So in the spirit of being thankful for what I don't have to deal with, I present this from today's NYTimes:

In 2002, a Palm Springs man was arrested on charges related to the smuggling of two Asian leopard cats into the airport in a backpack. His traveling companion was arrested when large birds of paradise came flying out of his luggage; also in the luggage were other birds stuffed into women’s stockings and 50 rare orchid bulbs. Two lesser slow lorises, also known as pygmy monkeys, were stuffed into his underwear.

Okay, first of all, I had to read this several times trying to understand if he and the monkeys were both occupying the underwear at the same time. (I ought to have read the beginning of the article more closely, which stated that the monkeys were "stuffed down the pants of an incoming passenger." Presumably this one. I mean, how many people go through LAX with endangered small primates in their pants? Oh wait. Perhaps I don't want to know the answer to that.)

Of course, I then had to complete this compelling visual by consulting Google for pictures of the lesser slow loris and the Asian leopard cat. The loris appears to be a sweet animal, though it's nothing that I'd want in close proximity to well, pretty much any part of my body for an 18-hour flight. (picture and info here) Having traveled in the company of a baby cross country (a mere 5-hour flight), I now refuse to take any small primate anywhere involving a journey of more than an hour.

Then there is the matter of two wild (as in non-domestic) cats in a backpack. I don't know if you have a cat, but I do, and the prospect of stuffing it into a bag of any sort strikes me as a feat only the insane or extremely bored would consider. First off, feline sedation seems to be, from what I infer from the sedation instructions from the vet ("Well, you ought to try these pills out at home first, before you actually travel with the cat..."), largely a matter of dumb luck. Even domestic cats are not known for demonstrating a spirit of benign cooperation. The Asian leopard cat (picture and data here) is only an ancestor of a domestic cat. So, this would probably be akin to attempting to shoehorn two bobcats into a pillowcase. (I quote from the link: "As a rule, they [the Asian leopard cat] do not make good pets, being solitary and reclusive, rarely allowing humans to touch or handle them. They are carnivorous hunters and could represent a threat to children or other pets.") Yeah, especially when the solitary animals are intimately enclosed together for 18 hours in a backpack. I wonder what tipped customs off; maybe the blood issuing freely from the long, jagged claw wounds down the neck and shoulders of our intrepid kitty backpacker?

Or maybe it was a complaint from the poor person sitting next to the squirming bearer of the monkeys for the duration of the flight? There is just so much to think about here. I mean, I know I couldn't go for 18 hours with no bathroom break. It is fun to envision Mr. Monkeypants making use of the tiny airplane bathroom, waking his little passengers from their repose so he could relieve himself. Do you suppose he set them down on or in the sink while he... oh never mind. Oh, and what about food and water for the animals? I imagine one would get pretty thirsty all snuggled up there for the better part of a day.

And what about this man's luggage? The large birds of paradise bursting into flight from it is certainly an entrancing vision, but what I want to know is what he was doing stuffing little birds into women's stockings. Obviously this man is not one of Eddie Izzard's executive transvestites. And then what about the intended recipient of the lorises?

"So, however did you get these splendid specimens into the country?"

"I wore them in my underwear, giving them the same loving care as my own precious family jewels!"

"Oh. Oh. . . . Oh. Er ah. Ah."

"Wait. Where are you going? Come back!"

The trials of my life are nothing when compared to the challenges experienced by others. Reading about these two animal-laden travelers has made me truly thankful that neither my livelihood nor my inclinations are such that I must resort to trying to sneak wild animals through airport security.