I have a Sallie Mae education loan. It's in forbearance. Sallie Mae keeps sending me mail that says, (IN ALL CAPS) "PLEASE CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY REGARDING YOUR FEDERAL STUDENT LOANS AND YOUR FORBEARANCE DEADLINE. CALL TOLL-FREE AT 1-866-439-0985."
I call this number and surprise, it's Sallie Mae's consolidation line. Of course, I am greeted by a recorded message, and I press 1 for English and am given 3 options, none of which mentions the word "forbearance." Instead, I can apply for a student loan consolidation or check up on a consolidation loan or application for one. This mail purposely gives the impression that I need to take some action or my forbearance is up; instead, they're doing a little bit of social engineering, trying to make it look as though I need to consolidate.
I am not even going to bother to look up whether the law has changed. When I last checked, a couple of years ago, consolidation loans were not eligible for any type of forbearance whatever. If you have no job, if you are unemployable, if you have disabled dependent children or are in the hospital with a dread disease, it will not matter; you will have to start paying your loan right away, and if you default, too frigging bad. So, if Sallie Mae can trick me into consolidating my student loans, I will lose my forbearance status. Slick.
I wonder how much of a bonus the executive who thought this up got.
Monday, July 30, 2007
TV
Lately, I suppose as a side effect of acclimating (sort of) to my 6th decade, I have found myself increasingly irritated by the high frequency of foreplay, if not actual intercourse, on TV. It's all pretty much gratuitous too. The slobbery, tongue-brandishing, face-engulfing kiss has become such a cliche that the only reason to waste minutes of plot time depicting the mutual redistribution of saliva can be that television writers are convinced that we'll forget to be preoccupied with our sexual impulses. So they remind us every 12 seconds. I'd say "Don't forget sex!" is the subtext of 90% of what you see on TV. (Interestingly, the other 10% is given over to food. "Don't forget to eat! Mmmm! Food is good! Better get some now!" And, coincidentally, we are, I believe, the world's fattest nation, those of us who aren't starving anyway.)
It's almost become a chore. You're going about your business, cleaning the toilet or mowing the weeds or going through the day's mail in case it contains something that isn't an exhortation to buy still more stuff, and you realize, guiltily, "Oh my gosh, I have not thought about sex for five minutes! Am I coming down with something?"
I wonder why TV is so industriously pressing upon an unsuspecting populace a preoccupation with bodily necessities. I like to imagine aliens, here to observe the species, collecting TV data and extrapolating results.
Day 1. Started up data collection efforts. Electronic signals apparently intended for amusement and edification of species.
Day 2. Must find different position in which to recline while absorbing data. Yesterday my grin!fkckl very sore. Humans (as they call themselves) devote considerable portion of signal to mysterious face-sucking activity.
Day 4. Data absorption, phase one, complete. Began reviewing, analyzing, and correlating.
Day 5. Hmm. Must check to see if human population declining, as much TV content comprised of exhortations to engage in reproductive activity. Oh and must investigate significance of popular face-sucking exercise. Collecting additional data.
Day 8. Human population appears to be on rise, probably due to high frequency of reminders to consume nourishment. Have noted large amount of electronic signal content devoted to instruction of females on correcting flawed appearance. Must investigate percentage of imperfect females. Still puzzled on face-sucking front.
Day 12. Collected physical data on females, extrapolated female ideals from signal content. This must be wrong. Initial figures seem to show 95% error rate in female physical construction. Will review numbers again tomorrow.
Day 14. Can find no error in calculations. Wonder why defective humans allowed to live. Must investigate why humans fail to make use of simple program of selective breeding to weed out 95% imperfection rate.
Day 17. Decided to examine male physical construction. Can find no difference in variety of male appearance. Wonder why this species is so finicky about appearance of females. What is it with the face-sucking?
Day 25. Face-sucking apparently activity leading to reproduction. Am forming theory that reproduction is simple process, hence hardly ever detailed in generally available signals, but face-sucking activity highly complex and difficult motor activity, hence the need for extreme frequency of repetition. Have noticed that historical signals devote much content to demonstration of sucking on small white tubular apparatus ablaze at one end. If calculations correct, populace mastered this activity in only 30 earth rotations or so, hence current signal content devoted to this activity is comparatively minimal. Wonder how long it will take humans to master face-sucking. Am looking forward to its disappearance from the signal content, as I have just been informed that I will be here for several hundred earth rotations, and f-s activity already tedious in the extreme.
It's almost become a chore. You're going about your business, cleaning the toilet or mowing the weeds or going through the day's mail in case it contains something that isn't an exhortation to buy still more stuff, and you realize, guiltily, "Oh my gosh, I have not thought about sex for five minutes! Am I coming down with something?"
I wonder why TV is so industriously pressing upon an unsuspecting populace a preoccupation with bodily necessities. I like to imagine aliens, here to observe the species, collecting TV data and extrapolating results.
Day 1. Started up data collection efforts. Electronic signals apparently intended for amusement and edification of species.
Day 2. Must find different position in which to recline while absorbing data. Yesterday my grin!fkckl very sore. Humans (as they call themselves) devote considerable portion of signal to mysterious face-sucking activity.
Day 4. Data absorption, phase one, complete. Began reviewing, analyzing, and correlating.
Day 5. Hmm. Must check to see if human population declining, as much TV content comprised of exhortations to engage in reproductive activity. Oh and must investigate significance of popular face-sucking exercise. Collecting additional data.
Day 8. Human population appears to be on rise, probably due to high frequency of reminders to consume nourishment. Have noted large amount of electronic signal content devoted to instruction of females on correcting flawed appearance. Must investigate percentage of imperfect females. Still puzzled on face-sucking front.
Day 12. Collected physical data on females, extrapolated female ideals from signal content. This must be wrong. Initial figures seem to show 95% error rate in female physical construction. Will review numbers again tomorrow.
Day 14. Can find no error in calculations. Wonder why defective humans allowed to live. Must investigate why humans fail to make use of simple program of selective breeding to weed out 95% imperfection rate.
Day 17. Decided to examine male physical construction. Can find no difference in variety of male appearance. Wonder why this species is so finicky about appearance of females. What is it with the face-sucking?
Day 25. Face-sucking apparently activity leading to reproduction. Am forming theory that reproduction is simple process, hence hardly ever detailed in generally available signals, but face-sucking activity highly complex and difficult motor activity, hence the need for extreme frequency of repetition. Have noticed that historical signals devote much content to demonstration of sucking on small white tubular apparatus ablaze at one end. If calculations correct, populace mastered this activity in only 30 earth rotations or so, hence current signal content devoted to this activity is comparatively minimal. Wonder how long it will take humans to master face-sucking. Am looking forward to its disappearance from the signal content, as I have just been informed that I will be here for several hundred earth rotations, and f-s activity already tedious in the extreme.
Friday, July 27, 2007
FAT - it's catching. Run for your lives!
Well, Gina Kolata wrote an article in yesterday's NYTimes about a study that shows that if your friends or family are fat, you are 171% more likely to gain weight and be fat. So now fatness, a terrible, horrible condition, is contagious.
Here's what I don't understand. Why aren't we exporting fat people in droves? We need to be sending our fat (that's what we're going to be called now, the fat, like the homeless, or the poor, or the ugly, or the ill-mannered) to nations suffering from huge numbers of starving babies? If you are likely to gain weight as a result of the weightiness of your close friends/relatives, then all we need to do to combat emaciation in babies is to hook them up with our fat. Let's ship the fat to them. I'm sure they'll bond instantly, I mean, fat people are jolly, right? And soon the formerly starving infants will plump right up into Gerber-baby status. Sheesh, look on the bright side, people. We can always kill our fat, or at least deplore them to death, later.
Here's what I don't understand. Why aren't we exporting fat people in droves? We need to be sending our fat (that's what we're going to be called now, the fat, like the homeless, or the poor, or the ugly, or the ill-mannered) to nations suffering from huge numbers of starving babies? If you are likely to gain weight as a result of the weightiness of your close friends/relatives, then all we need to do to combat emaciation in babies is to hook them up with our fat. Let's ship the fat to them. I'm sure they'll bond instantly, I mean, fat people are jolly, right? And soon the formerly starving infants will plump right up into Gerber-baby status. Sheesh, look on the bright side, people. We can always kill our fat, or at least deplore them to death, later.
Monday, July 23, 2007
feeding Fluffy
I just read in an alert today issued by EmergencyEmail.org indicating that, in addition to melamine, botulism is now a component of dog food. Okay, some dog foods, presumably canned. The alert named the following brands:
While I deplore (as does everyone else, I'm sure) the laxity with which food safety regulations are being enforced, I was riveted by the names of the dog food flavors. Irish Stew with Beef. Chinese Take Out with Sauce, Vegetables, and Chicken. Southern Style Dumplings with Gravy, Chicken and Veg. I am not too enthused about the Hobo Chili with Chicken Pasta. I have never encountered Chicken Pasta, and hope never to do so.
As a nascent elderly person with no pension or income, I'm going to look more closely at the dog food section in my grocery. Chinese Take Out. I mean, they can't all contain dangerous ingredients all the time. Hmm. Wonder how much it costs.
Natural Balance Eatables dog food varieties: | ||
| Irish Stew with Beef Dog Food | 15 OZ | 23633-59860 |
| Chinese Take Out with Sauce with Vegetables and Chicken Dog Food | 15 OZ | 23633-59861 |
| Southern Style Dumplings with Gravy with Chicken and Vegetables | 15 OZ | 23633-59862 |
| Hobo Chili with Chicken Pasta Dog Food | 15 OZ | 23633-59863 |
While I deplore (as does everyone else, I'm sure) the laxity with which food safety regulations are being enforced, I was riveted by the names of the dog food flavors. Irish Stew with Beef. Chinese Take Out with Sauce, Vegetables, and Chicken. Southern Style Dumplings with Gravy, Chicken and Veg. I am not too enthused about the Hobo Chili with Chicken Pasta. I have never encountered Chicken Pasta, and hope never to do so.
As a nascent elderly person with no pension or income, I'm going to look more closely at the dog food section in my grocery. Chinese Take Out. I mean, they can't all contain dangerous ingredients all the time. Hmm. Wonder how much it costs.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
ghosting
Among today's Craigslist offerings for writers were two interesting opportunities. One person wanted to hire a ghostwriter to assist him in writing his "next bestseller," and another wanted someone to write his op ed piece (650 words) for him. (I wonder if they charge extra for coming up with opinions to ghostwrite.)
Oh my, what possibilities proliferate here! Let's see... I'm sure I can benefit from this whole new ghosting thing. Hmm, I do want to be known far and wide for my housekeeping skills. I wonder if I can get someone to ghost-clean my house? I also want to have a reputation as the world's best mom, so perhaps I can engage someone to ghost-nurture my children? Oh, and I want to be beautiful but alas, nature did not endow me with the requisite body, so I wonder if Craigslist has people who can ghost-represent me in all my appearances in public?
Of course, getting into a good college is key to a successful life, so perhaps it would be possible to advertise for someone to ghost-take my SAT and ghost-write my college admission essays? After my ghost-undergraduate ghost-graduates on my behalf, perhaps I can even hire a ghost-lawyer to ghost-sit for my bar exam or a ghost-doctor to pass my medical licensure exams should the ghost-law/medical student I've hired not be up to the task?
Perhaps I can engage a ghost-churchgoer to carry out my duties to God and a ghost-soldier to carry out my duty to my country? And I certainly have no desire AT ALL to die myself, so, I'll see you all later -- oh wait, someone-to-be-named-at-a-future-date will see you all later! I'm off to advertise for a ghost-corpse!
Oh my, what possibilities proliferate here! Let's see... I'm sure I can benefit from this whole new ghosting thing. Hmm, I do want to be known far and wide for my housekeeping skills. I wonder if I can get someone to ghost-clean my house? I also want to have a reputation as the world's best mom, so perhaps I can engage someone to ghost-nurture my children? Oh, and I want to be beautiful but alas, nature did not endow me with the requisite body, so I wonder if Craigslist has people who can ghost-represent me in all my appearances in public?
Of course, getting into a good college is key to a successful life, so perhaps it would be possible to advertise for someone to ghost-take my SAT and ghost-write my college admission essays? After my ghost-undergraduate ghost-graduates on my behalf, perhaps I can even hire a ghost-lawyer to ghost-sit for my bar exam or a ghost-doctor to pass my medical licensure exams should the ghost-law/medical student I've hired not be up to the task?
Perhaps I can engage a ghost-churchgoer to carry out my duties to God and a ghost-soldier to carry out my duty to my country? And I certainly have no desire AT ALL to die myself, so, I'll see you all later -- oh wait, someone-to-be-named-at-a-future-date will see you all later! I'm off to advertise for a ghost-corpse!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
of COURSE they want to end residuals
I have been stewing about a piece in the NYTimes Media and Advertising section (link here).
The press briefing was conducted by Barry M. Meyer, CEO of Time Warner, Anne Sweeney, president of Walt Disney-ABC TV Group, and J. Nicholas Counter, president of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, an industry bargaining group. The press conference was held as a kind of opening salvo in the upcoming contract battles with the WGA. Media companies are proposing to end the way residuals are calculated, in a manner designed to reduce residual payments almost to nothing. I imagine that directors, actors, and anyone else who receives residuals is next. Perhaps we'll begin to see ads on Craigslist for writers for vehicles for big stars, paying $12 an hour, or a dollar a script page. (None of these figures appear in the NYTimes article; they are my extrapolation from watching remuneration for regular writing jobs plummet.)
Well, this clears up a question that has been mystifying me for a while now: Why are the networks so eager to thrust "reality TV" on the public? I know it's cheap, that's a powerful reason, but I didn't realize until I read this article that it's part of a concerted effort to lower the standard of television and develop in the TV audience a tolerance, even a craving, for complete crap. Which, of course, is what we'll see more and more of, if they cut back on residual payments.
It looks like what has happened to the rest of us over the last decade -- showing up for work one day and finding that either your job has been eliminated entirely or that your company only wants to pay you a half to a third of your salary for the work you've been doing, while the top executives of your company are paid vast amounts of money for their work -- is happening to the enormously profitable media industry. Of course they don't want to pay writers. That is money out of some CEO's compensation package and golden parachute fund.
The press briefing was conducted by Barry M. Meyer, CEO of Time Warner, Anne Sweeney, president of Walt Disney-ABC TV Group, and J. Nicholas Counter, president of the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, an industry bargaining group. The press conference was held as a kind of opening salvo in the upcoming contract battles with the WGA. Media companies are proposing to end the way residuals are calculated, in a manner designed to reduce residual payments almost to nothing. I imagine that directors, actors, and anyone else who receives residuals is next. Perhaps we'll begin to see ads on Craigslist for writers for vehicles for big stars, paying $12 an hour, or a dollar a script page. (None of these figures appear in the NYTimes article; they are my extrapolation from watching remuneration for regular writing jobs plummet.)
Well, this clears up a question that has been mystifying me for a while now: Why are the networks so eager to thrust "reality TV" on the public? I know it's cheap, that's a powerful reason, but I didn't realize until I read this article that it's part of a concerted effort to lower the standard of television and develop in the TV audience a tolerance, even a craving, for complete crap. Which, of course, is what we'll see more and more of, if they cut back on residual payments.
It looks like what has happened to the rest of us over the last decade -- showing up for work one day and finding that either your job has been eliminated entirely or that your company only wants to pay you a half to a third of your salary for the work you've been doing, while the top executives of your company are paid vast amounts of money for their work -- is happening to the enormously profitable media industry. Of course they don't want to pay writers. That is money out of some CEO's compensation package and golden parachute fund.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
campaign speech disguised as Homeland Security Warning
When I got my alert email from emergency.org with the subject "Breaking Item: NEW Homeland Security Warning," I thought maybe there was something substantive. Then I went there and found it was Chertoff stumping for his boss.
Boy, these folks in the executive branch stop at nothing to foist themselves and their viewpoints off on everyone at every opportunity. I would expect a release from Homeland Security to be a serious warning of some impending danger, but if they are just going to be vague potshots at the opposition, I'm going to quit reading these things. I don't enjoy Republican campaign literature.
Boy, these folks in the executive branch stop at nothing to foist themselves and their viewpoints off on everyone at every opportunity. I would expect a release from Homeland Security to be a serious warning of some impending danger, but if they are just going to be vague potshots at the opposition, I'm going to quit reading these things. I don't enjoy Republican campaign literature.
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