TV

Lately, I suppose as a side effect of acclimating (sort of) to my 6th decade, I have found myself increasingly irritated by the high frequency of foreplay, if not actual intercourse, on TV. It's all pretty much gratuitous too. The slobbery, tongue-brandishing, face-engulfing kiss has become such a cliche that the only reason to waste minutes of plot time depicting the mutual redistribution of saliva can be that television writers are convinced that we'll forget to be preoccupied with our sexual impulses. So they remind us every 12 seconds. I'd say "Don't forget sex!" is the subtext of 90% of what you see on TV. (Interestingly, the other 10% is given over to food. "Don't forget to eat! Mmmm! Food is good! Better get some now!" And, coincidentally, we are, I believe, the world's fattest nation, those of us who aren't starving anyway.)

It's almost become a chore. You're going about your business, cleaning the toilet or mowing the weeds or going through the day's mail in case it contains something that isn't an exhortation to buy still more stuff, and you realize, guiltily, "Oh my gosh, I have not thought about sex for five minutes! Am I coming down with something?"

I wonder why TV is so industriously pressing upon an unsuspecting populace a preoccupation with bodily necessities. I like to imagine aliens, here to observe the species, collecting TV data and extrapolating results.

Day 1. Started up data collection efforts. Electronic signals apparently intended for amusement and edification of species.

Day 2. Must find different position in which to recline while absorbing data. Yesterday my grin!fkckl very sore. Humans (as they call themselves) devote considerable portion of signal to mysterious face-sucking activity.

Day 4. Data absorption, phase one, complete. Began reviewing, analyzing, and correlating.

Day 5. Hmm. Must check to see if human population declining, as much TV content comprised of exhortations to engage in reproductive activity. Oh and must investigate significance of popular face-sucking exercise. Collecting additional data.

Day 8. Human population appears to be on rise, probably due to high frequency of reminders to consume nourishment. Have noted large amount of electronic signal content devoted to instruction of females on correcting flawed appearance. Must investigate percentage of imperfect females. Still puzzled on face-sucking front.

Day 12. Collected physical data on females, extrapolated female ideals from signal content. This must be wrong. Initial figures seem to show 95% error rate in female physical construction. Will review numbers again tomorrow.

Day 14. Can find no error in calculations. Wonder why defective humans allowed to live. Must investigate why humans fail to make use of simple program of selective breeding to weed out 95% imperfection rate.

Day 17. Decided to examine male physical construction. Can find no difference in variety of male appearance. Wonder why this species is so finicky about appearance of females. What is it with the face-sucking?

Day 25. Face-sucking apparently activity leading to reproduction. Am forming theory that reproduction is simple process, hence hardly ever detailed in generally available signals, but face-sucking activity highly complex and difficult motor activity, hence the need for extreme frequency of repetition. Have noticed that historical signals devote much content to demonstration of sucking on small white tubular apparatus ablaze at one end. If calculations correct, populace mastered this activity in only 30 earth rotations or so, hence current signal content devoted to this activity is comparatively minimal. Wonder how long it will take humans to master face-sucking. Am looking forward to its disappearance from the signal content, as I have just been informed that I will be here for several hundred earth rotations, and f-s activity already tedious in the extreme.